Sifting

The book I have been reading is "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. The next chapter spoke to me about some of the reason behind this current trial. From the beginning I have felt a spiritual component but couldn't fully articulate what was going on. I know some of this trial is medical. My life has drastically changed. We have a new baby. We endured the stress of adoption. I am naturally a high stress kinda gal so no wonder my body is out of whack! I am learning to slow down, to say no, and to focus just on my husband and kids. That's all I can do right now...and that is ok.

While I know slowing down is a part of what I need to learn, the big spiritual picture is humility. I never thought I was an overly prideful person (isn't that pride right there?). From the beginning of this battle I was ashamed to say I was having panic attacks. I was afraid to say I feel depressed. All because of fear of what others would think. All because I care what others think of me...a little too much.

So, I sensed my pride was going to be worked on. The Lord called me to walk this publicly through blogging. The Lord has given me opportunities to tell others. Sometimes I do and sometimes I fail the test. The next chapter of this book really confirmed my feelings on pride being an issue in my life.

The title of the chapter is called, "All that can be shaken will be shaken." Here are some lines/words that jumped out at me:

"Selfish and full of pride"

"confidence was not rooted in love. Rather it was anchored in pride."

"Pride would never be strong enough to equip him to fulfill his destiny in Christ. If not removed, this pride would eventually destroy him."

These lines on pride jumped off the page. The chapter goes on to talk about Simon's sifting experience. The text says, "Pride opened the door for the enemy to come in and sift Simon Peter. The word sift in the Greek translates to mean "to sift, shake in a sieve, by inward agitation to try one's faith to the verge of overthrow." Wow.

The coolest and most comforting part of all of this is Luke 22:32 "But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you return to Me, strengthen your brethren." Jesus prayed for Simon to not lose faith while being sifted. I know my sifting, no matter the reason or origin, will produce a new character as it did for Simon and that Jesus is interceding for me to not lose faith as I walk a hard road.

The chapter goes on to say, "In these situations faith says, I trust You even though I don't understand." I don't understand why this exact road has to be walked but I trust the One who has allowed this to be a part of my journey. "No storm, no matter how intense, can ever move us. This does not come by strong will or personality. It is a gift of grace to all who place their confidence in God, throwing away the confidence of self. But to give yourself in total abandonment you must know the One who holds your life."

After reading those lines, the Lord impressed this song onto my heart....

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

 
So I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand

My soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

The Great Debate

During the ups and downs of figuring out who's medical opinion to go with, I really was torn over medication. One part of me wanted to flea from the idea mostly due to fear and pride. Then another part of me on a bad day wanted nothing more than a temporary fix.

I had been praying for a while about taking the medication and was waiting on an audible voice of God to direct me and it hasn't happened. Something in my spirit kept telling me to wait on the medication. We went before the Elders of our church and they prayed over Drew & I. It was an awesome experience to sit, share, not be judged, and be prayed for. I had hoped this would be the healing point or answer...still nothing.

Then the other night when I was reading a book (a book I might say I should have read weeks ago) and this sectioned jumped out at me...

"We can pester the Lord regarding something for which He has already shown us His will. He will then allow us to do what we want even when it is against His original plan- even when it is not in our best interest. Often God's plan causes us to face hurts and attitudes we don't want to face. Yet we run from the very thing that will bring strength to our lives. Refusing to deal with the offense will not free us from the problem. It will only give us temporary relief. The root of the problem remains untouched."

The book is speaking of offenses, however, this jumped out at me about taking medication or not. I felt the Lord saying, I showed you my will for YOU...I had the unsettled spirit. Don't run, stand strong, let's deal with the root. (Let me insert here that there is nothing wrong with medication for anxiety/depression. I just was not sure this was the path I was to walk. From the beginning I have felt a spiritual component to this battle, not just a medical one.)

So after this neat revelation, I started to question if I was pulling this way out of context as the book clearly has nothing to do with this topic. I sat down that night before bed to crank out another chapter and I kid you not, the chapter is on revealed word of God. The author talks about how, "when you listen to a minister or read a book, we should look for the words or phrases that explode in our spirits. This is the Word God is revealing to us."

Clear enough for me. So, right now, we walk this path using supplements until healing or the Lord changes the course. The next chapter spoke to me on this issue as well but I'll save that for another day...

Medical Update

It's been a long summer. Nothing has gone the way "we" planned...not that that should surprise me. I'm excited for the routine of fall to return though I have enjoyed having my hubby home to help all summer and be my rock as we have struggled with this anxiety issue.

Several posts ago, I gave a laundry list of issues I'm dealing with. Since then so much has happened. We decided that we needed a second opinion based on the wisdom of dear friends. The treatment plan was going to cost way more than we could afford and friends spoke truth to us that God's plan out would not produce debt when He has called us out of debt. How we all need friends to speak truth to us!

My second opinion totally disagreed with the first. My primary doctor (yes, a 3rd opinion) handed me a prescription for anxiety and depression and told me to return in a month. In the end, through much prayer, we felt lead to seek treatments through my second opinion. She is the same naturalpath who cured my migraines a year and a half ago so we have trust in her. There is nothing like sitting in a doctors office talking over your symptoms, ect for 1 hour and 45 minutes. She listens, cares, and explains fully what is happening and what we can try. Anyone who knows me knows I am not a pill taker. I prefer to cure the root not the symptom and to do so as naturally as possible.

The naturalpath believes my adrenal glands are once again tapped out due to stress (no surprise there) and that my seretonin is off causing some depression and anxiety. So, I am on my adrenal regiment again. She has added two supplements for the mood and for the anxiety. Both seem to be working well. Anxiety is still the issue in stressful or uncomfortable situations but I am getting better. I have no clue where all this came from and look forward to the day it is gone but in the mean time, the Lord is showing me so much of my character that He needs to refine.