Beautiful, Beautiful

So much has been going on lately, medically and spiritually. My girlfriend Brooke emailed me to tell me she heard a song in the car and the Lord brought me to her mind. She knows the Lord uses music to speak to me so she told me to listen to the song and see what the Lord had for me. We have been praying about how to proceed with my health and I was praying this song would reveal some truth for us.

Here is the song with the lyrics......

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

(Chorus)
I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

I listen to this song 2x's and felt the Lord ask me why it was written. Francesca wrote the song to express the grace that is to be found in each new day. How we can mess up or have a really bad day but the next day is new. It brings a hopeful feeling that a day can end bad but mercy is new every morning. On days I haven't felt good, the days end bad...i feel like a bad mom and wife but grace is new every day.

Then I went to the lyrics. There were several layers of meaning here:

1. The song starts with not knowing how God could see us as beautiful and ends with a joy inside as he makes our lives beautiful....this reminds me of the transformation process we all go through to be more like Christ. Reminds me that even though I see my flaws he loves me just as I am.

2. "Mercy reaching to save me, all that I need" is a reminder that He is Sovereign and Healer. While I need to deal with my health I need to trust Him as the healer. Though there is darkness, He can break through and He can give uncontainable joy.

3. "I have come undone, I've only just begun" reminds me that my pride is an issue and I have to be undone to be able to be more like Christ. For me, depression and anxiety in my mind was really "undone" so it is the "low" I needed to find humility.

4. "I see you through the clouds" points out that even on those dark days, I need to look up...He is still there.

5. He is making my life something beautiful....

Results

Today I found out that my anxiety attacks may have a medical origin. I got the lab work back from the Doctor today and I am a mess! Let's see if I can paint the picture...

1. Soy Sensitivity (no more soy)

2. Auto immune response to Gluten (no more gluten)

3. No good bacteria in gut

4. Reactive Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar)

5. Severe Iron Anemia

6. Thyroid Conversion issues

7. LH, Estrone, & Testosterone all off

Wow! The side effects of just #7 are anxiety, panic attacks, depression, insomnia and headaches. I think my name was written next to that list. I am so thankful for the answers so that we can move on to the solution. I am told that treating this holistically will take about a year so I am praying for at least a marked improvement in the first 4-6 weeks.

I look forward to my energy returning and my head to stop pounding.

The Past Month

This post is long overdue. I have felt the Lord asking me to boldly post what has been going on in my life for the last month yet, I have been disobedient. The last thing I want to do is "go public" but for some unknown reason I feel called to write this....

A little over a month ago in the middle of the night, I woke up to an "episode" of some sort. I had had these "episodes" twice before. Once on a plane which was said to be a response to migraine medication and once in the hospital when Essie was born. This "episode" that woke me lasted 3 hours and involved a racing heart, crazy blood pressure, nausea, dizziness, shaking, and the need to pace. After this episode, the doctor ruled out heart issues and assumed my syncope (pre-diagnosed condition) had flared up as it has some of the same symptoms.

Several nights later, another "episode" woke me. Same scenario. Off to the doctor again and this time they are using the words, anxiety attack. I said, no way. Not me. You see, I had developed some judgements in my head about panic/anxiety attacks. If I was really someone who trusted Jesus, why would anxiety be attacking me? I have 2 great kids. Our adoption dream came true. I have an awesome hubby. Not possible.

Well, the attacks grew much worse and more frequent. Night was now not the only time the attacks hit. I had them at church, at the grocery store, at friends houses, and every night at bedtime. I was having panic attacks over my fear of having an attack.

There is no obvious trigger for these and no real stresses in my life right now. However, there may be a predisposition as I researched some family history. So, why these are happening, I don't know. I do know that I have learned humility during this process. I have erased my judgements of those who suffer from these awful attacks now knowing that these can not be controlled.

I am slowly improving. We take baby steps daily! My days are pretty good with random small episodes that easily can be kicked out. My nights are worse and require much focus to be able to sleep. Everyone keeps saying it is because I turned 30...it's the number when all these imbalances kick in. Who knows. All I know is that it is the path I must walk right now and the Lord has asked me to walk it publicly. So, as much as I want to hid this chapter of my life from view, I write it so the Lord may do with it as He wills.