Blessings in Disguise

So often the things that are good for us come in a package that we really don't want. It has been so good for me to slow down. It has been so good to take things off the calendar and just be a wife and mother to the best of my ability. My relationship with Abby has improved over the last few weeks because mom is not stressed out over the 100 things she feels she needs to do. So, while I would have preferred skipping this road of depression/anxiety or whatever we want to label it (there is some possible OCD involved as well)...the lessons are important to learn.

While some comment about not serving enough, not being involved in enough activities for Abby, ect, I wonder who gets to define "enough". When I run at the pace the world sets or even people I know that mean well, I can't handle the pressure and stress.

This is a season for me of focusing inward. In the walls of my home, in the hearts of my girls, in meeting my husbands needs, of raising up children to love and serve the Lord and His people. If this slow down didn't come by force, I don't think I would have embraced the change to be "that" mom. The one who hangs out at home in sweats a few days a week never leaving the house. Spending my days homeschooling and playing in the leaves and having picnics and cooking. Catching spiders as specimens and making salt maps of Egypt. I am enjoying being mom right now and that is a precious blessing.

When I wasn't feeling well, I couldn't read books...my focus wasn't there. Now, I can read again but it has to be something I am really interested in. I picked up a book recommended by a friend (thanks JBACG), Growing Grateful Kids by Susie Larson. I love the book so far. Here is a nugget that struck a cord with me today about being content....(yes, another issue I struggle with)...

"The sin of comparison triggers two kinds of responses from us: pride and/or despair. If we compare ourselves to someone who struggles with an issue that is a strength area for us, we will be tempted toward pride. And if we compare ourselves to someone who is strong and gifted in an area where we are messy and weak, we'll be tempted towards despair. Whenever we look to the right or to the left and compare ourselves with others, we'll perceive ourselves through a skewed lens. That's why Jesus wants us to spend most of our time looking up. He is writing a beautiful story with our lives. He doesn't want us to want someone else's story...because ours fits us perfectly. What a shame to throw a book across the room because we don't like the chapter we're living at the moment!"

This is a great lesson for me. As I step into this season of simple living, I have to not compare myself to others. I tend to do this and I tend to compare myself with women who are in seasons ahead of me. I have little ones and I have to embrace the story God has written for me and not want someone else's story.

More Victories

Things have been going really well! I tackled another Sunday at church and did really well. I took Abby on a date Friday night to do her first horseback trail ride. I had a blast...I forgot how much I missed riding. Abby had some scares but did great. Yesterday my mil watched the kids to let me go out on my own. I went shopping for 3 hours and had no anxiety at all!

I really do think that this has been a blessing in disguise. I have really slowed down and removed all the extras from my calendar. I am enjoying the kids more and yelling way less (yep, I was the mom who said I'd never yell at my kids...).

God is faithful in restoring us...we just have to wait on His timing and His ways. The lessons you learn along the way are invaluable.

Victory

I so often see the negatives of how I am not better yet so I decided I have to start looking for the victories, big or small.

Sunday was a big victory in my book. I got up, showered, went to church (not in sweatpants!), made it through the ENTIRE service (with a sleeping baby on me), and felt a connection to the Spirit of the Living God. It felt good to be there. It was totally different than the feeling I had 3 weeks ago.

After church, Drew was so happy that I was out of the house he took us to lunch. So, not only did I go to church I went to a restaurant. Now, I will not tell a lie..I did need to take my anxiety medication to go but still, it worked and I was out and doing ok.

So, victory! For a person who loves to do things and fix things asap, this baby step process is so hard. I see a new Dr. today so I'm interested to hear what they think.

Hitting the Wall

After months of battling what to do with the anxiety attacks and depression and trying to do what we felt the Lord was saying, I hit the wall. Three weeks ago on Sunday I was standing in church for worship and felt NOTHING. Not a thing. I couldn't even pretend to sing the songs. I was completely done and at the end of my rope. I walked out of service crying knowing that something had to give. An intuitive friend saw me walk out and she accompanied me, listened to me and prayed for me.

It was after this that we decided that we had tried natural methods...they weren't working enough. We prayed, we fasted, we went to the Elders for prayer...we did every spiritual thing we knew to do. I don't doubt the Lord told me not to use medication back like I said on 8/25. I think I had to hit bottom to realize medication was the next step.

So, I am 2.5 weeks into medication. I am horribly tired and have lost 12 pounds. I have an annoying ring in my ears but I am pressing on. Everyday gets a little better. My main issue is the anxiety. I ended up at the dr's last week in a panic attack that wouldn't stop. They did an EKG again..glad my ticker is still healthy.

Everyday seems to get a little better. Today was the first day I didn't take a nap. We have been back to homeschooling this week and I can manage the laundry, dishes, ect. Forget showering and going out but hey, baby steps.

The Lord has asked me to walk this openly so I am. I have so much pride over this so I am trying really hard to be open. I've also learned that no one talks about anxiety and depression but it is EVERYWHERE! If I can make one person feel like they are not alone, the walk is worth it.

Sears...Again

I am appalled at the world we live in...especially as women. Society has objectified women and women are buying into it! I am sick at how much skin I see not only at the beach but at the grocery store.

Back in June I had posted about Sears selling posters online which contain very graphic images. As many moms pulled together, Sears pulled the posters. That was short lived. Sears has once again put pornographic posters for sale on their website. After being asked to pull the posters by many advocacy groups, Sears has not been willing to.

I am an activist by nature so boycotting Sears, KMart, and Lands End will be easy for me. I just can't support a company who makes these decisions. Just like how here on GI we will not buy gas at NOCO. They sell porn behind the counter. Ahhh, so frustrating.

If you are interested in joining the fight to remove this type of material from the Sears website, here is the action OneMillionMoms is asking for:

Rather than send an email, I think you'll want to personally contact Sears' corporate headquarters and ask President Bruce Johnson why his company continues to allow "n*de" posters on the Sears website. Let him know we will not shop at Sears, Kmart and Lands' End this Christmas Season until these images are removed from their website. Sears corporate office number is 847-286-2500. I encourage you to be firm in your request to speak with someone in President Johnson's office.

Sears has ignored this problem long enough. It is time we let them hear from us! Please, call Sears president Bruce Johnson today at 847-286-2500. Take it one step further and call your local store manager. Click here to find the number for your local Sears store.

Sifting

The book I have been reading is "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere. The next chapter spoke to me about some of the reason behind this current trial. From the beginning I have felt a spiritual component but couldn't fully articulate what was going on. I know some of this trial is medical. My life has drastically changed. We have a new baby. We endured the stress of adoption. I am naturally a high stress kinda gal so no wonder my body is out of whack! I am learning to slow down, to say no, and to focus just on my husband and kids. That's all I can do right now...and that is ok.

While I know slowing down is a part of what I need to learn, the big spiritual picture is humility. I never thought I was an overly prideful person (isn't that pride right there?). From the beginning of this battle I was ashamed to say I was having panic attacks. I was afraid to say I feel depressed. All because of fear of what others would think. All because I care what others think of me...a little too much.

So, I sensed my pride was going to be worked on. The Lord called me to walk this publicly through blogging. The Lord has given me opportunities to tell others. Sometimes I do and sometimes I fail the test. The next chapter of this book really confirmed my feelings on pride being an issue in my life.

The title of the chapter is called, "All that can be shaken will be shaken." Here are some lines/words that jumped out at me:

"Selfish and full of pride"

"confidence was not rooted in love. Rather it was anchored in pride."

"Pride would never be strong enough to equip him to fulfill his destiny in Christ. If not removed, this pride would eventually destroy him."

These lines on pride jumped off the page. The chapter goes on to talk about Simon's sifting experience. The text says, "Pride opened the door for the enemy to come in and sift Simon Peter. The word sift in the Greek translates to mean "to sift, shake in a sieve, by inward agitation to try one's faith to the verge of overthrow." Wow.

The coolest and most comforting part of all of this is Luke 22:32 "But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you return to Me, strengthen your brethren." Jesus prayed for Simon to not lose faith while being sifted. I know my sifting, no matter the reason or origin, will produce a new character as it did for Simon and that Jesus is interceding for me to not lose faith as I walk a hard road.

The chapter goes on to say, "In these situations faith says, I trust You even though I don't understand." I don't understand why this exact road has to be walked but I trust the One who has allowed this to be a part of my journey. "No storm, no matter how intense, can ever move us. This does not come by strong will or personality. It is a gift of grace to all who place their confidence in God, throwing away the confidence of self. But to give yourself in total abandonment you must know the One who holds your life."

After reading those lines, the Lord impressed this song onto my heart....

So what can I say

What can I do

But offer this heart O God

Completely to You

 
So I'll stand

With arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand

My soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours

The Great Debate

During the ups and downs of figuring out who's medical opinion to go with, I really was torn over medication. One part of me wanted to flea from the idea mostly due to fear and pride. Then another part of me on a bad day wanted nothing more than a temporary fix.

I had been praying for a while about taking the medication and was waiting on an audible voice of God to direct me and it hasn't happened. Something in my spirit kept telling me to wait on the medication. We went before the Elders of our church and they prayed over Drew & I. It was an awesome experience to sit, share, not be judged, and be prayed for. I had hoped this would be the healing point or answer...still nothing.

Then the other night when I was reading a book (a book I might say I should have read weeks ago) and this sectioned jumped out at me...

"We can pester the Lord regarding something for which He has already shown us His will. He will then allow us to do what we want even when it is against His original plan- even when it is not in our best interest. Often God's plan causes us to face hurts and attitudes we don't want to face. Yet we run from the very thing that will bring strength to our lives. Refusing to deal with the offense will not free us from the problem. It will only give us temporary relief. The root of the problem remains untouched."

The book is speaking of offenses, however, this jumped out at me about taking medication or not. I felt the Lord saying, I showed you my will for YOU...I had the unsettled spirit. Don't run, stand strong, let's deal with the root. (Let me insert here that there is nothing wrong with medication for anxiety/depression. I just was not sure this was the path I was to walk. From the beginning I have felt a spiritual component to this battle, not just a medical one.)

So after this neat revelation, I started to question if I was pulling this way out of context as the book clearly has nothing to do with this topic. I sat down that night before bed to crank out another chapter and I kid you not, the chapter is on revealed word of God. The author talks about how, "when you listen to a minister or read a book, we should look for the words or phrases that explode in our spirits. This is the Word God is revealing to us."

Clear enough for me. So, right now, we walk this path using supplements until healing or the Lord changes the course. The next chapter spoke to me on this issue as well but I'll save that for another day...

Medical Update

It's been a long summer. Nothing has gone the way "we" planned...not that that should surprise me. I'm excited for the routine of fall to return though I have enjoyed having my hubby home to help all summer and be my rock as we have struggled with this anxiety issue.

Several posts ago, I gave a laundry list of issues I'm dealing with. Since then so much has happened. We decided that we needed a second opinion based on the wisdom of dear friends. The treatment plan was going to cost way more than we could afford and friends spoke truth to us that God's plan out would not produce debt when He has called us out of debt. How we all need friends to speak truth to us!

My second opinion totally disagreed with the first. My primary doctor (yes, a 3rd opinion) handed me a prescription for anxiety and depression and told me to return in a month. In the end, through much prayer, we felt lead to seek treatments through my second opinion. She is the same naturalpath who cured my migraines a year and a half ago so we have trust in her. There is nothing like sitting in a doctors office talking over your symptoms, ect for 1 hour and 45 minutes. She listens, cares, and explains fully what is happening and what we can try. Anyone who knows me knows I am not a pill taker. I prefer to cure the root not the symptom and to do so as naturally as possible.

The naturalpath believes my adrenal glands are once again tapped out due to stress (no surprise there) and that my seretonin is off causing some depression and anxiety. So, I am on my adrenal regiment again. She has added two supplements for the mood and for the anxiety. Both seem to be working well. Anxiety is still the issue in stressful or uncomfortable situations but I am getting better. I have no clue where all this came from and look forward to the day it is gone but in the mean time, the Lord is showing me so much of my character that He needs to refine.

Beautiful, Beautiful

So much has been going on lately, medically and spiritually. My girlfriend Brooke emailed me to tell me she heard a song in the car and the Lord brought me to her mind. She knows the Lord uses music to speak to me so she told me to listen to the song and see what the Lord had for me. We have been praying about how to proceed with my health and I was praying this song would reveal some truth for us.

Here is the song with the lyrics......

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

(Chorus)
I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

I listen to this song 2x's and felt the Lord ask me why it was written. Francesca wrote the song to express the grace that is to be found in each new day. How we can mess up or have a really bad day but the next day is new. It brings a hopeful feeling that a day can end bad but mercy is new every morning. On days I haven't felt good, the days end bad...i feel like a bad mom and wife but grace is new every day.

Then I went to the lyrics. There were several layers of meaning here:

1. The song starts with not knowing how God could see us as beautiful and ends with a joy inside as he makes our lives beautiful....this reminds me of the transformation process we all go through to be more like Christ. Reminds me that even though I see my flaws he loves me just as I am.

2. "Mercy reaching to save me, all that I need" is a reminder that He is Sovereign and Healer. While I need to deal with my health I need to trust Him as the healer. Though there is darkness, He can break through and He can give uncontainable joy.

3. "I have come undone, I've only just begun" reminds me that my pride is an issue and I have to be undone to be able to be more like Christ. For me, depression and anxiety in my mind was really "undone" so it is the "low" I needed to find humility.

4. "I see you through the clouds" points out that even on those dark days, I need to look up...He is still there.

5. He is making my life something beautiful....

Results

Today I found out that my anxiety attacks may have a medical origin. I got the lab work back from the Doctor today and I am a mess! Let's see if I can paint the picture...

1. Soy Sensitivity (no more soy)

2. Auto immune response to Gluten (no more gluten)

3. No good bacteria in gut

4. Reactive Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar)

5. Severe Iron Anemia

6. Thyroid Conversion issues

7. LH, Estrone, & Testosterone all off

Wow! The side effects of just #7 are anxiety, panic attacks, depression, insomnia and headaches. I think my name was written next to that list. I am so thankful for the answers so that we can move on to the solution. I am told that treating this holistically will take about a year so I am praying for at least a marked improvement in the first 4-6 weeks.

I look forward to my energy returning and my head to stop pounding.